Moving through a grief day...

Ben came to see me in my dreams. This is a very rare event, and I just wanted to stay with him. He wanted a bear hug – not just the side hug I gave him so as to not spook him or make him disappear, but a full-on, big ol’ squeeze. I looked into his beautiful, chocolate chip brown eyes, held his smooth, sweet cheeks and hugged him. And then my effing alarm went off.

Noooo!! He was just here. He came! To see me!!! Now it’s over. NOOOOOO!!!!!! So, I just kept hitting snooze. I knew he wasn’t likely to come back but I wanted to be with that feeling a little bit longer. Then some more. And more. Then… all of a sudden I was late for my first meeting of the day.

I’d love to just be in this reflective space and soak up the dream but I can’t afford to cancel or lose it today. I will just keep this to myself, set it aside, and do life.

I rarely have a grief day anymore – maybe once or twice a year vs. the daily experience of them early on – but I’ve noticed, when strong emotions are in the mix, we forge ahead anyway, often for the sake of 1) not wanting to make others uncomfortable, or 2) not wanting to appear weak or just plain lame.

So, we push the feelings away: I can’t cry right now, I need to get onto a Zoom call! And when the Zoom call is over, voila, the feelings have subsided, and no longer demand attention.

Right?

Over time, what I’ve notice for myself on days like this is that I reach for chocolate, comfort food or even wine for soothing. I’m eating or drinking my feelings without my permission! Or I bury myself in something to distract myself. In my work with grieving leaders, I’ve seen this kind of response play out over and over.

The truth is that grief needs our attention, and it’s important to give it that attention, intentionally. Otherwise, it plays out in ways we do not intend.

For those of you who might be wondering, ok, so tell me: what it would look like if I did grief well? Here is an option for you. I like the technique called RAIN, popularized by Tara Brach, a psychologist and meditation expert. It’s about Recognizing your emotions and thoughts, Allowing them, Investigating them and finally giving yourself some sort of Nurturing so you can move forward.

Here is how I might have talked myself through a grief day using this approach:

1. Set your feelings to the side and acknowledge you are doing so with the intention of coming back to them.

2. Get on that Zoom call. Focus on the task at hand.

3. After the call, when you have 10 minutes, sit. Use the RAIN technique to process your grief:

RECOGNIZE your emotions. Bring back your feelings. Name what you feel. I feel angry and lonesome. I feel yearning. I MISS him. Yep, that’s the one.

ALLOW the feeling to be here without pushing it away. Allow the missing. This is how you feel right now. Allow the tears to stream down your face. Take a deep breath and feel this. Sink into it.

INVESTIGATE the feeling by getting curious. Where do you feel that feeling? It’s in my shoulders – I’m all tight and bunched up. There is an emptiness in my gut. There is an ache in my heart. Placing my hands on my heart feels comforting. What is the thought I’m believing now? He’s gone. We’re all forever changed. There is a gaping hole in our lives that will never be filled. He was a part of me, and I was a part of him… And this didn’t die with him. I want to be with him. Allow this thought and the new wave of deep emotion. I want to be with you. Breathe. I miss you. Cry. Allow. Blow your nose. Honor that this deep sadness comes out of your deep love.

NURTURE yourself. How? Give yourself something in this moment that feels comforting. Wrap your arms around yourself in a big bear hug. Often this works. For me today, it is meh. Hands on heart… better. Saying Benjamino, I will always love you. Our souls are forever connected. Yes. That helps. This morning hit hard because you were so here with me. Waking up from that felt a little like losing you all over again. I want it back. I want you to visit me in my dreams more often. Please come again soon. I love you.

Oof. It's not pretty, but it is exceptionally crucial work. If I just push the feelings away and never come back to them, they’re still there lurking and hit me harder the next time. Or worse, I end up acting in a way unbecoming of a mother, wife, friend, or professional.

While taking this time requires a willingness to do hard things, the reward is the lightness that comes with having dealt with it, honored it. It deserves to be honored. And it’s not a skip-over-it, “it’s no biggie” kind of lightness. It allows me to lean into the love instead of the sorrow. This is something that has allowed me to be in a place where I am no longer having these days but 1-2 times a year, and I can be with – and work with – others in this space.

Grief work and processing emotions can take a lot out of you. It’s important to make rest a priority. Take a nap. Take the rest of the day off. Go for a walk. Take a hot bath. Sleep. Restore yourself and come back into balance.

The sun will rise again tomorrow and you will feel a little more healing.