How to support a friend who just lost their child
How to support a friend who just lost their child
Recently a friend asked me, "How can I best support a friend who just lost their child?"
This is a heavy one. The loss of a child is unbelievably gutting. There really are no words to describe the devastation one feels. Your world completely crumbles. Everything is different now. And it will be forever. If you are a parent who has lost a child, you know that one of the most shocking things about it is that somehow you are still alive. You don’t die along with your child, even though it feels like you should have. Your body keeps breathing. Your job now is to find a way to keep living, and help the rest of your family to do the same. You may have other children who are also grieving and will need to navigate their grief as well as your own. You may have a partner and your relationship may be affected; you may come closer together, you may not. It’s a LOT to carry.
If you are a friend to someone in this position, I have some advice for what might feel helpful.
1. Offer specific help. Deep grief brings overwhelm. Asking “how can I help?”, while well-meaning, puts the griever in a position to know what they need, and then ask for it, which can feel hard. Offer specific help like:
• Can I bring you a cup of tea and sit with you a bit?
• Can I help collect and organize pictures for the celebration of life?
• Can I bring you dinner from your favorite restaurant or take out spot?
• Can I drive the kids?
• Can I be the one to go to your other kids’ games and be there for them while you take a hot bath or get a massage?
• Can I mow your lawn or shovel your driveway?
• Can I pick up groceries for you?
• Will you let me bring you a Christmas tree and decorate it for you?
2. Just.Be.With.Them. Show up. With no agenda. With no judgement. Validate their feelings. Let them know how heartbreaking it is. That you are sad too. Say their child’s name. Tell them a story about their child, if you have one, when the moment is right. It's ok to tell funny ones... as the title of Nora McInerny's book says, "It's okay to laugh. Crying is cool too".
3. Offer resources. There are amazing resources out there for people who have lost a child. Here are a few I know of, have worked with directly, and really respect:
• Brighter Days Grief Center – they serve the entire state of MN and companion bereaved parents in a very special way. They offer services at no charge.
• Center for Grief and Loss in St. Paul, MN – offers individual, couple and family therapy
• Faith’s Lodge – offer retreats for bereaved parents and families
• Grief Club – offers support for grieving children, teens and young adults
• Grief.com – David Kessler’s (author of Finding Meaning and several other grief books) website
• Whatsyourgrief.com
4. Don’t expect them to be the same. They are different now. They won’t be at their best. They will forget a lot of things you talk about, and this will continue for a while – like potentially years. They may not have a lot of capacity for things like small talk, or for anything trivial. They might easily be sent into a state of overwhelm. Be understanding. Repeat yourself gently if needed. Grief brain tends to ease up over time, but it truly can take many months if not years.
5. Be a long hauler. There tends to be a lot of support for the first year or so for bereaved parents. What people often don’t talk about is that years 2 and 3 are just as hard as year one – if not more so – because it becomes even more real that their child is not there anymore; the grief really sinks in, and in addition, the support tends to fade away. Mark your calendar a year or two (or 3 or 4!) out from now to invite them for a walk, take them to lunch, or bring them a meal. Adopt the perspective that this is a marathon… because it surely isn’t a sprint.